I usually don't write this kind of stuff. When it's over, it's over. But after a long relationship of 6 years, i think it's worth.
Dear T,
When we first met, it wasn't love at first sight. Sorry, but it wasn't your beauty what captivated me the most. Easygoing, curious about this (at that time) young and insolent guy from a country named Spain. You didn't like everything about me (who does?), but you were always asking me all sorts of questions. You were trying to understand my world. At the same time, I was fascinated by yours. You welcomed my curiosity most of the time. And there was an excitement for our differences from both parts. Although you always tried to understand me as "a foreigner" (american, canadian, british, australian, more or less... the difference between race and nationality was not so obvious for you... there was a long way to go...), you realized soon that not all the white guys are the same. Not everybody comes here to study or to teach english. The truth is, for me, everything is about pulse, challenge, feelings. That's enough.
Funny, isn't it? I listened to your constant speeches about education, career, money (lots of money) for... the future. Always the future. It was almost outrageous for you to hear that none of those things ever bothered me at all... but again, the truth is that you had a bit shallow (or maybe just naive) curiosity about me. But from my part, i was here to join the game. You wanted answers to every question. And I just wanted to learn about you, to experience things through your point of view.
You were the kind of girlfriend that could give me new reasons to keep on going. Let's admit too that most of the time, it was due to my self-motivation. I learnt how to deal with our differences. And that made me extremely flexible. I realized that very few things are truly important: love, health... and, oh, money.
What is love? What I learnt from you about love in these 6 years would be too long to explain in this letter. It completely changed my life. But if i have to pick a description about love right now, i would say: i learnt how to love an imperfect reality, the present. And i made peace with the past. And i even learnt how to enjoy future plans for short-mid term.
Life was quite easy with you. And we had a lot of fun. Crazy times back in the days. And also some stuff about self-discipline, maturity and wisdom could be told here. Only when i had stupid and ambitious thoughts, i didn't entirely appreciate our comfortable life, the long path we walked together (maybe someone more beautiful, more famous, richer, etc). I thought that maybe i was missing something out there. But from what i heard from other people around during these uncertain days, i could feel blessed for having you.
It was great the day that i realized what i could exactly expect from "us". At that point, no complaints. I had to adjust myself to the situation and i did it with pleasure. Only then i found out that i missed maybe a bit too much of myself during the journey. Cause i needed to know how could be our future together (look, now seems that the future starts worrying me, cause i am not a 27 years old lifer anymore... long time), then i pushed myself to the limit. Then i saw clearly where my limits are. That enriched me infinitely as a human being. And it was so hard to get there, that i totally lost interest on stopping myself.
Now i have to tell you: what i am about to start is just the consequence about that desire of going ahead. Definitely, she is not better than you. You are polite, tolerant and all that. She is tricky and hard to handle. But again, i was never affraid of such things. I am not as sharp as before, cause it was not needed beside you. Anyway, i will improvise, as usual. :)
She was born on the sand, under the sun, beside the blue ocean. You keep an umbrella open over your head to protect you from the constant rain and the sunlight too. This is a big and developed city, but your flavour reminds me to something from the countryside, strangely mixed together with outdated aristocatic manners similar to some from my own country half century ago. And she is wild. You are easygoing... till... well... till you care. Then you both are the same. She is chinese, by the way.
And the reason why i am doing this is because the world i belong to is imperfect, unsafe, full of traps everywhere. You don't represent any of those words. You are unreal.
Would a tiger prefer living in the wild jungle or enjoying a comfortable life in a zoo (but a big one, like a playground)? At the end, i can say that i know both. And i don't care. It's funny, cause you also showed me how to be carefree towards the unknown (well, not exactly you, but what i needed to achieve in order to get at this point is what made me like this). That leaded me to you first, and now it's separating us. Cause the journey never ends.
I must go now, but we both know that our issues won't create bad feelings between us. I plan to visit you once in a while. I know that you will always welcome me with that (then incomprensible, now so familiar) mixture of distant politeness and carefree approach. And you can`t resist to a good story. But next time we see each other, I promise you that it won't be about tears or disappointments anymore. Everytime we see each other again, we will only have great fun together.
Last night, a taiwanese girl was blaming me for telling her "new foreign bf in town" about "the bad things of Taiwan". "Don't tell him that! He doesn't know!". Maturity is accepting imperfection. Drugs, mafia and corruption are everywhere in the world and Taiwan is not an exception. Anyway, what's the purpose of those girls by keeping their bf's ignorant, blind and some even trying not to make them learn some chinese? Honestly, you suck. 昨晚，一個台灣女子責怪我告訴他新交的異國男友 關於台灣的缺點 "不要告訴他這些！他還不知道！"
Well, so recently the things are kind of messy in my life. Despiting some damn slow legal issues I am facing, it's supposed that girls are there to give you some relief, distraction, good times, etc. But well, sometimes you hit the psycho spot and they don't come alone:
Linda is a vietnamese chick chasing me for almost one year. 34 years old, divorced, great body (she looks awesome on her tight red dresses). Besides that, she loves to clean my house and buy me things (quite unusual, since all my mates dating vietnamese girls have to spend loads of money on them). Recently i was refusing to have sex with her, since she doesn't want me to use condoms (a vietnamese classic, at least in Taiwan). Anyway, i can`t refuse a bj once in a while. But i am telling her for many months that i am not looking for a gf (actually i ignored her for almost 6 months, but she got me back somehow). She insists that she wants to go home with me cause she wants to take care of me "as a good friend or brother". Well, the rational talking doesn't work. And i don't want to be rude to her, neither tell her that i don't like her. I tried to distance myself from her by saying that i want to date other girls. But it didn't work at all. She just calls me "bad boy" and asks me to go to my home after i finish my job. She says it's really hard to find "good" foreigners able to speak mandarin (i suppose "good" just means "good looking and/or gentle enough plus the language skills, all without being over 50 years old").
Then last thursday one of her best friends, Lina, came to the club. She is one of the hottest girls i ever seen (despiting her age, in her early thirties). Of course, with that face and body, she is working in yellow KTV's (she denies it, but her friend told me). She said hi to me and started dancing with some foreign guys on the dancefloor, while looking at me. After those eye contact games, she tried to call my attention, but i had to finish my job. Meanwhile her friend Linda (the other vietnamese girl i am dating) appeared and said: "oh you work today? you didn't tell me". Then Lina hugged me and said in mandarin: "you came after! he is mine! and i like him!". Following the joke i said: "oh, yes. i like you too!". Then she turned to me and said: "Really??? Ok, let's go home now!".
Both girls were a bit drunk, then Linda just left and started drinking and talking to a white foreigner. Lina was following me everywhere, but i had to work. So i asked her to wait for me outside.
Everybody left the place and then i went out. She was alone (surrounded by a lot of guys, of course. But i mean, all her vietnamese friends left her alone. Probably they got angry at her because she hit on me in front of Linda). Then she came with me to my scooter and we went home. While going to my scooter, i was affraid to be seen by Linda. Well, not really affraid, but with a kind of uncomfortable feeling. I am doing something ¨bad¨ someway. Not because Linda is my girlfriend. Just because Lina is her best friend and i don`t want the 2 girls to fight for me.
Suddenly, i found 2 customers i know for a while. I said bye to them. One of them smiled and both looked at the girl. They were surely feeling funny and jealous at the same time. The girl is really hot. And she is grabbing my arm after refusing many guys inside the club. She played them, but she finally left with the guy she didn't dance with (cause she already made the choice beforehand). Many girls do that kind of things at clubs. Guys have no choice, we can only hope to be the unexpected chosen one. They are like spiders making a web.
While in my living room, on the sofas, preparing a tuna sandwhich, Linda called her, asking if she went home with me. She denied it all, swearing that she would never do it: "Of course not! We are friends! Anyway, i don't know him that much. Ok, i wanna sleep now. Bye"
Some girls don`t really respect a long friendship with another girl when they like a man. Well, in fact they don't respect friendship, marriage, couples or whatever the targeted guy is involved. I don`t say guys don`t do such things, but most of us have a code of honor and we initially try to avoid those situations. Or at least we believe so.
"She is my best friend. We met in Vietnam even before coming to Taiwan, 11 years ago. I know her very well. Don`t be stupid. You saw her dancing with other guys, right? So you better just think about yourself."
Even when i agree with all her points, i don`t think she is a better person than the other girl. She is even worse for sure. More lies, more mess... the more beautiful is the girl, more the problems.
Later, on bed, she was playing hard to get. She wanted to hear something she could use as an excuse to have sex with me. Something like "i like you more than your friend" or "i really like you". Even "i love you". My answers were never good enough if i was not clearly saying that i liked her. She said my answers were wrong because i didn't understand the questions in mandarin. She said when you can speak good mandarin, you can "get" the real meaning of those questions. So it leads you to the "right" answers. It was hilarious and surrealistic. Anyway, she was clearly playing the game.
After i got tired of all that and i started really trying to sleep beside her, she started being more and more aggresive. She kissed me wildly and pulled off my clothes in 10 seconds. She didn't want to have "safe" sex (vietnamese classic again). "I don't have any disease, i can't have baby, haha... you are affraid" and things like that. Anyway i put on my condom and she complaint all the time. She even tried to scratch it off with her nails. I had to change position in order to finish. She has a great body. I know that she has a 9 or 10 years old kid, but she still looks super skinny, fit and awesome. Her face is damn beautiful too. Would be impossible to stop now. I think no man on earth could.
After that, she went home. Despiting my cellphone number, she didn't ask for anything else. She sent me some "good girlfriend" sms on the next days: "you work so hard, be careful, it's cold outside tonight, i am so bored tonigh, i miss you, you miss me?". I answered the sms, but not the direct calls.
Next day, Linda (the other girl) already feels (or directly knows) what happened last night. So since then, she is picking up a different foreign white guy every day, and getting into a taxi together in front of me. To be honest, i don't feel anything when i see that. I am kind of happy for her. And i feel relieved too. While she was doing the same kind of things on my back (some of my friends saw her in other bars, while i was working or at home), the fact about doing it now openly just meant that she didn't care about me anymore.
THE CRAZY MILF
A girl i met while working. We had something like a 10 minutes broken conversation, we exchanged numbers, etc. "我們可以當好朋友 (we can be good friends)", she said... 2 weeks later, she invited me to go to the 烏來 hotsprings at midnight. I used my scooter to ride till there. It was fun. Once there, in the private room, she put herself completely naked in front of me. She made fun about my swimming pants, then she covered her body with a towel to be equal. She teased me for 1h. but nothing happened. She said that my naked body was quite impressive, she couldn't tell how strong i am while i was wearing clothes at work.
After that, I took her home around 2:30am and she said that she wouldn`t invite me to come upstairs, cause she had a lot of work to do in a few hours. Next time.
Another day, she came to the bar and she asked me to go to her place, around 4am in the morning. She came in a taxi and took me there. Then, upstairs (she lives in a nice apartment, for sure she makes good money at work), she prepared me some food and she gave me a towel. She wanted me to take a shower before going to bed. She gave me a pijama from her "ex-husband". She told me she had an 18 years old son (but i didn't imagine that he was living with her).
When i was trying to put on a condom, she said: "you don`t need to use that. I can't have kids anymore". I trusted her because being 7 years older than me, richer than me and so on, i didn`t think that she could be looking to get something from me. Then we did it. She said she couldn't make much noise, cause her son was sleeping in another room till 9am. So the second time, after that, she was much louder during sex. That was very awkward, but very exciting too.
Another day, i decided to pay her back the hotspring invitation by inviting her to have dinner in a expensive restaurant. She invited me to her home again. We stayed in her living room watching a hongkonese movie for a while. She also talked to her son in his room (her son's room door looked exacly the same as the whole wooden wall in front of me, like a hidden gate... maybe she was hiding the elephant man in here??). I didn't see him. It could have been very strange.
Anyway, we did it again. It was good. Then i left in the afternoon.
Around 2 months later, she called me. I didn't answer. Then she sent me a few chat msg's in line apologizing by not calling me for a while. She said that she was damn busy. I said no worries. I also saw her sometimes at the club with male customers/friends/whatever, getting drunk together, getting a taxi together, things like that. I didn't see anything bad about it, just a successful business woman trying to have some fun during her free time.
Well, then this weekend she came back again, alone. She talked to a few customers, she danced, drank, and then left. We didn`t talk much. And this sunday she was texting me asking what i was doing. She said she was out. And i was at home doing nothing. Then, when she went back to her home, we chatted for a while via smartphone. She was a bit angry. And she asked if she could give a call now. I didn`t answer, but she did anyway.
She asked why i didn`t call her all this time. Why i went to Hong Kong. Why i was so affraid. Well, i said that i didn't call her cause she knows where i work. And she can find me anytime. She said that she went to Japan for 1 month. Oh, yes. She mentioned it during that dinner 2 months ago. But i forgot. And my trip to HK... it was just 1 day. She said i didn't tell her how long my trip was... i thought i did. Anyway, about being affraid, i really had no idea what she was talking about.
"You don't like me... so we broke up?"
Sorry?? We have never been together. We just had 2 or 3 dates and... "But we had sex! In Taiwan, that means that you thought about relationship!" Well, not really. It could be... but not so fast, specially dating an older woman with a kid. Then she got angry. She talked some more nonsense, she called me selfish, bitter and other things and finally said: "I have a baby! But that's not your problem. It's mine!" Then she started crying.
"You came to my house, we made love, so i thought we had a relationship! I am so stupid"
Well, that wasn't the point anymore. Althought i didn't want to fight her and i said that i do like her, she is beautiful, smart and so on, the point now was: "you said that you coulnd`t have kids. How come you got pregnant? You lied!" She said it was unexpected, she was not lying.... haha. Ok, my fault. So what now?
"I don`t care about the money. I know you can't take care of this. And since you don't like me, i don't have to tell you about this anymore. And you can`t ask me about this anymore, ok? I can take care of 2 babies. But i don't want to have a baby without a father again (more crying). Ok, we are just friends. I am not gonna call you anymore. This is my problem. I am gonna hang out the phone now."
Shit.
at least now i know (if all this is true) that i am fertile :)
Ni una cosa ni la otra. Pero la semana pasada esta vieja lesión lumbar volvió a aparecer. Hacía aproximadamente un par de años que no me daba problemas serios. El caso es que estaba aumentando gradualmente la intesidad y frecuencia de mis entrenamientos, sumado a mis clases de artes marciales. Y así, en medio de una clase que estaba impartiendo, por haber puesto a un alumno a hacer el calentamiento, por haber hecho sparring sin haber calentado y por tener ya los músculos tocados de una sesión de jogging+sprints 2 horas antes, me quedé clavado mientras efectuaba una proyección de cadera. Es un poco vergonzoso quedarte en el suelo sin poder levantarte, tratando de disimular delante de todos tus alumnos, que te miran raro mientras te intentas incorporar arrastrándote por el suelo como un gusano.
Finalmente, me tuvieron que ayudar a levantarme. Aún así, no dejé que me llevaran al hospital inmediatamente. Quise acabar la clase, pero mis alumnos se negaron a seguir entrenando hasta el final. Bueno, al final acabamos la clase 15 minutos antes de lo habitual y me llevaron a urgencias en coche.
Un lumbago es de lo más jodido que hay. Me inyectaron un calmante que no me hizo demasiado. También me recetaron unos analgésicos que me daban un sueño de cojones. De hecho, los 2 días posteriores (que los pasé en la cama casi todo el tiempo) fueron muy jodidos. Pero ya teniendo práctica con la lesión y sabiendo que no hay hernia discal ni demás (parece ser que es muscular), intenté volver a mis actividades cotidianas (excepto entrenar y hacer pesas, claro). Me quedé esos 2 días a dormir en el gimnasio, en el cuarto de mi socio (él durmió en el cuarto de baño con su hermana, a pesar de que le dije que no hacía falta. Pero una cosa es cierta: los taiwaneses, aparte de ser muy majos, pueden dormir en cualquier sitio a cualquier hora). Al día siguiente, me vino a ver una de las chicas con las que estoy saliendo ahora y tuvimos una buena sesión de sexo sin demasiadas complicaciones. De hecho, al follar parece que los músculos de la espalda se calientan e incluso se reduce el dolor. Todo parece menos grave cuando una lesión no te impide hacer la mayoría de cosas que más te gustan.
Ahora ya hace una semana de aquello y me he recuperado bastante (también llevo un par de días con ibuprofenos, que me parecen funcionar mejor que lo que me recetaron en el hospital). Hoy he vuelto a follar con esta niña y eso, sumado a estar de buen humor, parece que acelera la recuperación. No tengo claro si es más lo físico o lo mental, pero hacer las cosas que te gustan y la actividad física moderada son más que recomendables para un lumbago jodido de estos.
Ahora sólo espero recuperarme un poco más (siempre ha existido algo de dolor desde que me lesioné hace un par de años, pero no me ha impedido volver a practicar artes marciales, mma, pesas y todo lo demás. Nunca te recuperas 100%, al menos en mi caso) y volver al ataque.
La conocí en Tokyo durante el invierno de 2007. Mi primer viaje a Japón. Recuerdo lo eufórico que estaba de haber llegado hasta allí. Fueron 2 semanas muy intensas, haciendo muchas cosas, viendo a amigos, etc.
Está claro que las cosas cambian de ángulo y perspectiva para uno con el tiempo y la experiencia y que ahora tengo una visión muy distinta de Japón, los japoneses y de mis affaires con las señoritas de ese país y de Asia en general.
La historia comenzó cuando ella estaba prometida con su novio. Y se alargó en la distancia de una manera absurda. Necesitaba muy poco de ella para mantener la llama de ese amor viva. Ni siquiera sexo: sólo chatear con ella en Skype y leer esos "te quiero" y demás me hacían sentir algo diferente a todo lo que había vivido hasta entonces (y no es que en Taipei estuviera teniendo, ni tengo actualmente, una vida monacal... ni mucho menos). En fin, que uno se lía y estas historias nunca terminan bien para "el segundo".
La volví a ver hace unos meses en Kyoto (después de 4 años... la última vez fue una semana antes de su boda... encerrados en un hotel durante días) y fue bastante emocionante para ambos. Nos volvimos a jurar amor eterno, etc, etc. Ni siquiera tuvimos tiempo de follar (el hueco de 2 horas en su agenda conllevaba contar un montón de mentiras a su marido, suegra, etc. y nos dio para una cena y una ligera borrachera, besos por los túneles del metro como antaño y demás).
Desde aquello, en primavera de 2012, empezamos a planear vernos más a menudo. Yo estaba ganando bastante dinero trabajando día y noche y me podía permitir volar a Kyoto siempre que tuviera tiempo. Parecía que íbamos a retomar algo muy importante y necesario para ambos. Vital, diría yo. Entonces fue cuando me dijo que se había quedado embarazada por tercera vez... y que yo tenía la culpa:
-Me pusiste tan excitada la última vez que te vi que tuve que hacer el amor con mi marido esa noche al volver a casa. Ya no estaba interesada en el sexo, pero tú me provocaste esa reacción. Y como no nos dio tiempo de... pues...
En fin. Suena muy cómico. Por supuesto, la mandé a la mierda y después de hacerle un repaso de todas mis aventuras sexuales de los últimos meses (inventándome otras tantas para exagerarlo más) se pasó un par de meses sin escribirme por internet... hasta hoy.
[24/02/13 22:03:36] nama: Hi (F)
[24/02/13 22:04:25] Am79: Hi
[24/02/13 22:05:38] nama: How are you?
[24/02/13 22:05:57] Am79: Good. Whats new?
[24/02/13 22:06:46] nama: Nothing :)
[24/02/13 22:09:18] nama: How is your work?daily life?no trouble?
[24/02/13 22:11:09] Am79: No
[24/02/13 22:11:17] nama: I was wondering if I should not talk to you all the time (:|
[24/02/13 22:12:00] nama: I think you hate me now |-)
[24/02/13 22:12:36] Am79: Hmmm
[24/02/13 22:12:44] nama: It's ok
[24/02/13 22:13:07] nama: But I want to talk to you sometimes
[24/02/13 22:13:21] nama: If you do not mind.....
[24/02/13 22:13:41] Am79: Chat friends is an awkward thing
[24/02/13 22:13:52] Am79: Specially with women
[24/02/13 22:14:39] nama: I see
[24/02/13 22:15:20] Am79: I like dating women
[24/02/13 22:15:28] nama: I see
[24/02/13 22:15:56] nama: You never need me,right?
[24/02/13 22:16:31] Am79: No, sorry :)
[24/02/13 22:16:36] nama: I see
[24/02/13 22:17:38] nama: I just wanted to know that
[24/02/13 22:18:02] nama: It's enough
[24/02/13 22:19:14] Am79: Ok. So this is the end of the chat. Byebye (wave)
[24/02/13 22:19:34] nama: Bye
Me acaba de borrar de Skype y de Facebook. Es algo un poco triste, pero también liberador. No es agradable sentir que se están riendo de uno durante tantos años. Aunque no fuera su intención, este juego la convierte en un ser totalmente malévolo para mi salud mental (y para todo aquel que sepa lo que es meterse en un rollo de estos con una casada).
No importa cuánto critique a su marido, a su suegra, a su estilo de vida... ella nunca va a renunciar a eso por ti. Por eso, aunque tú digas (como yo decía) que no te importa, que la quieres igual... en realidad estás esperando un acto de caridad, una oportunidad de estar con ella y ser tú "el primero". Así que lo mejor es no consentir que estas cosas se enquisten en tu corazón. También, cuando uno se va haciendo mayor y ya no le sobra la energía, mejor reservar la mente y el cuerpo para las cosas verdaderamente importantes... sin lastres inútiles, como relaciones de este tipo.
